POUGHKEEPSIE, NY – As people mourned the death of 65-year-old Gerald Teller, people who knew him were quick to point out that the allegedly devoted husband and father never even came close to being as cool as his obituary suggested.
“He was okay, I guess, but writing that he was always the life of the party was an outright lie, and everybody that knew him knows full well that he wasn’t charming or charismatic in any way whatsoever”, said Mark Krüger, his neighbor of twenty years who witnessed Teller’s incredibly bland personality and his painfully average sense of good and evil.
“The guy was the replacement MC for a charity event at the local aquarium eight years ago, and now they describe him as an eloquent public speaker on par with Winston Churchill? Whoever wrote this is fucking delusional. I get it, you want to remember your loved one in a positive light, but don’t lie to the good people of the Poughkeepsie Journal.”
Witnesses reported that the priest at the funeral inaccurately portrayed Teller as an amazing role model who now rejoined his loved ones in Heaven, despite his clear 50/50 chance of ending up in purgatory at best.
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