NEWPORT, OREGON – After months of looking at her carefully crafted piece of cardboard to manifest the future of abundance she wants and deserves, 29-year-old Kelly Ferguson inadvertently threw her bright future away when she spilled milk from her Cinnamon Toast Crunch on her vision board.
“Everything I worked for vanished in an instant, all because I was eating my vitamin D-rich breakfast while gluing a picture of an Emmy Award onto what I thought would lead to my success”, said the ambitious cereal aficionado about the beige-tainted milk that suddenly covered pictures of dollar bills and beach houses, gradually getting absorbed by the cardboard that has now lost its magical powers.
“This was my go-to technique to attract wealth and happiness, so I’m pretty bummed out knowing that I’ll have to resort to more traditional methods of maximizing well-being, such as exercising and actually working on myself. I will take a shot at igniting some incense while reciting mantras just to see what happens, but I know I might as well just kill myself.”
At press time, Ferguson reportedly dropped her copy of The Secret on the ground and suffered from spontaneous combustion.
Thank you for reading! As always, please share this newsletter so more people can enjoy a new two-minute distraction. It’s mostly about me, though. The more people read this, the better it is for me. Me me me. Me.
Post 5.
Even your "outros" are funny.